


escape the burning weight

by mariette



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: AU where Bucky comes back from war and life resumes, Angst, Fluff, Happy moments - Freeform, Hurt Bucky Barnes, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, brief OC encounters, bucky writes steve letters, i'm not going to lie it's sad, they're still in love tho, wedding fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 14:22:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14570883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariette/pseuds/mariette
Summary: "It's getting hard out here and it's even harder bein’ away from you. I hope that whatever fights you're getting into you're giving them hell. I sure know I am."AU where instead of Steve becoming a super soldier and becoming Captain America, he stays home and waits for Bucky to return. When he does, Bucky decides to get married to someone that isn't Steve. Even though the two of them are still very much together and very much in love. Peggy is here through the majority of the story but the OC is really only mentioned.





	escape the burning weight

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not going to lie this is pretty sad but it does have it's happy moments.

Bucky’s wedding wasn’t anything special. It was an outdoor wedding. Something Rachel had always dreamed of and something Bucky couldn't give two fucks about. They got married underneath a white arch around white flowers both of them wearing white. Steve stood next to Bucky and Rachel's sister next to her. Rachel bawled her eyes out during vows. Bucky did not.

 

During the reception Rachel and Bucky were mingling with extended family they never see and Steve stood at Bucky's side the entire night. He promised him he would anyhow. Why would he not?

 

“Was it hard while he was away?” one of Rachel's relatives asked. She was referring to the war. Steve was never drafted and Bucky practically tied him up and forced him to stay home.

 

“It was. He couldn't write me at all and I missed him terribly. But we made it through. Together,” she said. She grabbed at Bucky's arm and smiled up at him. Steve saw Peggy's knowing look from the corner of his eye. That she knew something Rachel didn't. They all knew something she didn't.

 

Steve couldn't help but smile to himself. He got a letter from him every week.

 

Steve was happy with Peggy and he told himself that every day. He reminded himself about the love they shared, the deep connection they had to one another. But any time he thought about love and soulmates and marriage and children Peggy was never in his mind. It was always Bucky. And he knew it couldn't go on like this but they didn't know how to stop. They were  _ addicted _ to each other and it physically hurt them when they were away.  _ But they couldn't stop _ . They told each other even when they were younger that this couldn't go on. That people like them got killed for being with each other. They didn't want to sacrifice each other's lives for something that could never be. For the longest time they tried to even deny their love for each other. They argued, the fought and they hurt one another in hopes one would leave. But neither of them did.

 

Most of Bucky's letters were him going on and on about what he was doing in the trenches that day. How he hated that he took cold showers for granted because: “I'm lucky if I'll see clean water ever again”. Some letters though… some he kept near and dear to his heart.

 

“ _ Stevie, _

_ It's getting hard out here and it's even harder bein’ away from you. I hope that whatever fights you're getting into you're giving them hell. I sure know I am. _

_ I wish I weren't here. I wish I was in our bed holding you nice and close. The only problems we faced was how the hell we were going to get through the winter that year. We always got through it, though. Together. Maybe that's what makes being here so hard. It ain't the bullets whizzing past my head or the fact that I haven't eaten a proper meal in months. Hell, it's not even hard actually shooting someone square in the face and watching the life drain from em’. _

_ I guess what I'm saying is it's hard not bein’ around you and kissing your scrawny face every day. I can't wait to come home to you. Punk.” _

 

The words echoed in Steve’s mind on a seemingly endless loop. It wasn't the only letter he had memorized. No, it was all of them. He could recite them word for word and even dream of Bucky saying them to him. As he would read them to himself at night he was careful not to cry on the paper. He wouldn't forgive himself if the penmanship was even the slightest bit smudged. He ached to write out letters of his own to Bucky but his partner insisted he didn't cause any trouble for himself. Steve knew that he met he didn't want Peggy finding them or looking over his shoulder and accidentally seeing his heart being poured out on yellow paper.

 

As far as Peggy knew he was just missing his best friend. She tried to console him as the pain of Bucky being gone would wash over him. The best way Steve could describe the absence of Bucky is like a ghost limb. Any time he would crack a wise joke or see a pretty girl he knew Bucky would appreciate he'd look to his left but he was never there. Sometimes he'd think he saw him in a crowd of people flashing a bright smile with his eyes crinkled. There were even a few times where Steve lost it and ran for the man but he was never there when he reached the destination. That's when the panic attacks started to happen. Peggy would fall to Steve's side and help him do breathing exercises, even rub his back until he was calmed. He hated that he was falling apart at the seams.

 

Peggy had to be catching on that it was more than him losing his best friend. Steve didn't think he was putting up a very good front. And any time a letter didn't come in the mail that sinking feeling he got when he thought something bad happened to Bucky only became worse. The final letter he received from Bucky sent Steve into an absolute panic. He screamed, he cried, he threw a lamp and it shattered into millions of pieces to the ground. He punched a hole in the wall and he destroyed the bathroom. A shattered mirror, a broken shower rod, a cracked countertop from the sheer force of his fist.

 

She found him sitting on the bathroom floor when she got home from Shield. At first she gasped at the damage to their home. Her first instinct was he had been fending off an intruder. But the thought soon escaped her mind as she saw the letter in his hand and his eyes were a swollen red. She crouched down and touched his face softly. As she pulled the letter out of his hand he loosened his grip. He didn't care if she knew, in the back of his mind he already knew she did.

 

“ _ Stevie, _

_ I ain't the one writing this letter so if the handwriting looks like shit that's why. You know I do my best to make it look good so you can see it better. I guess there's really no good way for me to tell you this so I guess I'll just go right out and say it. Lost my arm. Who would have thought? You know this whole time I've been out here there's only been one thing on my mind. Getting back home to you. And do you want to know the first thing that came into my head when I got my arm blown off? The first fucking thing was I hope Steve knows I love him. And even though it hurt like a mother fucker and I knew I wouldn't survive it all I could think about was you and your scrawny little face. Doc here still thinks I won't make it. Guess I'm losing too much blood. I wouldn't even let them operate on me until someone wrote this letter for you. I know I'm stupid for doing it and you're probably swearing up a storm because I'm wasting my time. But this isn't a waste I swear. I'm kind of getting a little woozy though, so I suppose I should let them keep working on me. I hope this fucker is writing all this down. I just wanted you to know I love you. And if I make this out alive I'm coming home to you. But in case I don't make it and with the way this is looking I might not… you promise me you and Peggy’ll get married. You have two beautiful children and you name one of em’ after me. You can't get rid of me that easily, sport. If you eventually forget the way I look or how I talk that's okay. Time does that to you I guess. But if you're gonna remember anything about me… just remember I've never loved anyone more than you. I'm with you til the end of the line, Stevie. I love you.” _

 

Steve looked over at Bucky. His suit sewn together in a way that made it look like having one arm was almost natural. He looked back at him and cracked one of those smiles that Steve loved the most. The ones that gave him a panic attack when he wasn't around but seeing it for real made all his worries wash away. Seeing that smile made him forget almost for a second that Bucky wasn't married. That he wasn't his.

 

“Hey,” Steve whispered at Bucky pulling his attention away from family he probably didn't want to be talking to.

 

“Hmm?” Bucky responded. He seemed detached.

 

“I'm gonna go by Peg. Catch you later?” He asked. Steve wanted nothing more than to stand by Bucky’s side. But he felt an overwhelming sense of gloom washing over him and he didn't want Bucky to share in the feeling.

 

“Yeah I'll come over there as soon as I can step away,” Bucky said.

 

“Don't rush. It's your special day. Have fun, Rachel,” Steve said.

 

Rachel stopped talking for a moment to give Steve a warm smile before returning to her conversation. Steve tried to look away before he caught Bucky’s sad, desperate eyes. It was too late though and that sense of gloom turned into gut wrenching dread. Steve hated weddings.

 

He walked over to Peggy trying to look confident and happy that his best friend was getting married but like always Peggy could see right through him. He swore that she was so intuitive it was like a superpower.

 

“You need a drink,” she said.

 

“Drinking is the last thing I need right now. I'll end up a sobbing mess on the dance floor,” Steve said.

 

He slumped into his chair and watched Bucky and Rachel make their rounds to different groups of people. Peggy giggled next to Steve.

 

“Right, Steve. Like you'd ever get on that dance floor. Here.” She pushed a glass of champagne towards him that was only half full. “Drink the rest of this I promise it will calm you down.”

 

Steve didn't feel like arguing tonight of all nights so he grabbed the glass and took the liquid in one gulp. He burped a little and sat the glass back down idly playin with the rim.

 

“What made him want to do this?” Steve asked.

 

“You two have already had this fight before,” Peggy said.

 

* * *

 

“Are you fucking  _ joking _ , Bucky?” Steve asked.

 

“I didn't have a choice! She was starting to figure out what was going on between us! What if people in town were to find that out? We'd be condemned or even worse killed!” Bucky yelled.

 

“Oh  _ didn't have a choice? _ How about just leaving her! You don't even love her!” Steve replied.

 

Tears were welling up in his eyes. This fight, this heartache was worse than anything he'd ever experienced. Did the letter Bucky write even mean anything?

 

“You're still with Peggy!” Bucky said.

 

“Keep me out of this,” Peggy said. She was walking out of the apartment with her jacket in her hand. Probably giving them space but also Steve knew it was to keep herself from pinning Bucky to the ground and knocking him out.

 

“And for the record,” she said putting her jacket on. “I think you are an absolute asshole.”

 

She slammed the door behind her and Steve turned back to Bucky who's face was red with tears and anger.

 

“Peggy knows about us. Peggy is  _ helping  _ us stay together by living here with us. So no one starts asking questions about why two grown men are living with each other. She's the only one we've been able to tell and she's been a godsend,” Steve said.

 

“I'm marrying Rachel but nothin’ has to change with us, Stevie. Can't you see that?” Bucky was practically begging on his knees at this point.

 

“No, Bucky. Everything has to change. I'm with Peggy so you and I could stay together without anyone getting suspicious. You're with Rachel so you can have a family on the side that you can't have with me. You're with Rachel because I’m not good enough anymore. And you know what? Fine. I know my worth and I know where I belong in the world. Pack up your stuff and leave,” Steve said.

 

Bucky's eyes grew larger. Tears began to fall from both men as soon as the words came out of Steve’s mouth.

 

“Stevie,” Bucky started. His words fell off at the end. He had no idea what to say.

 

“I said leave.”

 

* * *

 

“It doesn't matter if we had a fight before. I still never got the answer I deserved,” he said.

 

He finally took his gaze away from the beautiful couple on the dance floor to look at Peggy. His rock, his best girl, the one thing that's keeping him on this ugly planet. She gave him the smallest smile and it was still dripping with sympathy. She reached over and took his hand into hers.

 

“You know the answer,” Peggy said.

 

“I wish I could hate him,” Steve said.

 

“I know you do. But don't worry l’ve got enough for the both of us.”

 

The night Bucky left Peggy came home to a sight she wasn't surprised to see. It'd been awhile since Steve had a breakdown quite like that one but she knew it was coming. She didn't stay far from the house. She sat on a park bench and waited for Bucky to leave. What she wasn't expecting was the suitcase in his hand. She didn't think Steve could stand his ground like that. Especially when it came to Bucky. She walked into the house and picked up Steve and held him. Bucky always managed to break him even when he doesn't mean to.

 

“You're Steve, right?” A young man not much older than 16 was next to Steve and Peggy’s table. He was dressed nice enough for a wedding but it looked like he was uncomfortable in the shirt.

 

“Yes?” He replied. The boy handed him a note and walked away but not before blushing at Peggy.

 

“Oh I  _ wonder _ who that could be from,” she said.

 

Steve looked around the dance floor and Bucky was nowhere in sight. He looked back at Peggy with sad eyes. Pleading silently with her.

 

“Go on. I'll make sure she doesn't start looking for him,” she said. Steve smiled.

 

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” He asked.

 

“I've got a pretty good idea.”

 

Steve stood from his chair and leaned down to give Peggy a soft kiss on the top of her head. He'd be so lost without her.

 

He'd expected that at some point in the night Bucky and Steve would carry themselves away somewhere far from the party. While Peggy charmed her way to Rachel and kept her company while the ‘boys are just being boys’. Telling stories about her and Steve’s home life. Some made up, some not. Whatever kept Rachel from thinking the worst of Bucky and his best man.

 

When he reached the edge of the river and saw Bucky smoking a cigarette looking out at the stars any anger and bitterness he had from before melted away.

 

“You're missing a great party,” Steve said.

 

Bucky scoffed and looked down at the water. As Steve walked closer he made room for the smaller man to sit next to him on the rock. He put his arm around Steve and kissed his head. Taking in the scent of his scruffy blonde hair.

 

“You hate this fuckin’ thing just as much as I do,” he said.

 

“Well, I didn't go through six months of planning with the bride’s parents like you did,” Steve said.

 

They were both quiet for awhile both too busy taking in the scenery to really say anything. Bucky started rocking them side to side and hummed quietly to himself. Steve shuddered. He wished he could tell Bucky to stop. That intimacy between the two of them was just plain wrong now that Rachel is being played like a card. But the feeling of Bucky’s strong arm around him, the smell of his sweet honey breath, and the sound of his voice was all too much to handle. Anyone else in the situation would do nothing too.

 

“I love you so much, Stevie. I wish this were our wedding,” Bucky said.

 

“Me too.”

 

Bucky moved his head and nuzzled his nose behind Steve's ear. It made the smaller man shiver and laugh quietly.

 

“Knock it off, Buck,” he said.

 

“Look at you squirm though. You're so cute when you do that. How could I ever stop?” Bucky asked. He pulled away and looked at Steve. Both of their faces were lit up a crystal blue from the reflection of the river. Their eyes somber matching their moods perfectly. It was as if the world was frozen around them and nothing could penetrate the moment they were in.

 

“I love you, Stevie. With all my heart,” Bucky said.

 

He brushed the hair out of Steve’s eyes and held his face in the palm of his hand.

 

“If things were different. If the world we were livin’ in wasn't so hell bent on ripping us apart… I woulda made you mine the second I came back,” Bucky said.

 

* * *

 

“Steve, sweetheart, you should really get some sleep.”

 

Peggy was stood in the hallway of their apartment. She was wrapped up in her nightgown eyes still dusty from the slumber she had woken up from. She said she came out for some water and noticed he was still on the same spot on the couch. Steve knew she didn't need water, she needed to make sure he was okay.

 

“He should be back by now. They landed hours ago. I know they did,” he said.

 

Peggy crossed the room and crouched in front of Steve. She lay her hands in his lap and looked up at him. His eyes welled up and puffy. Hours of crying had gone by but he refused to give up. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not the next day. He wouldn't move from this spot until Bucky came through the door. Peggy rested her forehead on Steve’s knee. She balanced her breathing before speaking but it still came out shaky.

 

“Steve. I think maybe we need to consider the possibility that he isn't coming home,” she said.

 

“No,” he said flatly. “He’ll be here.”

 

She sighed and stood. There was no point in arguing. She would have to fight just to get him off the couch and given the circumstances that would be beyond cruel.

 

“Is there anything I can do? Do you want a blanket? Are you hungry?” she asked. He only shook his head in response.

 

“Okay. Come find me if you do. I love you,” she said.

 

He smiled a little and looked up at her.

 

“I love you too.”

 

Steve wasn’t sure how long he'd been asleep. It felt like five minutes but in reality must have been at least an hour. Peggy was long asleep in her bedroom and the apartment was still dark. He sat up and rubbed his eyes letting them adjust to the darkness that settled around him. A figure was sat in the corner, on a chair only occupied by one other person in the household. Before he got the chance to say anything Bucky spoke first.

 

“I wasn't sure if I should wake you up. Knowing how much of a dumbass you can be I assumed you haven't slept in weeks,” he said.

 

Given any other  _ normal _ circumstance Steve would have some smart ass reply. Like, ‘well maybe I would have slept if you hadn't left me with the most terrifying goodbye letter in all of history’. Or maybe he would have said ‘you should have woken me up!’. But really all Steve could manage was stumbling his was off the couch and letting Bucky catch him mid flight to the chair. He sobbed into Bucky's chest and kissed him anywhere he could.

 

“I missed you, punk,” Bucky said between sobs.

 

They tangled themselves together taking in as much of the other as they could. As if their lives depended on it and truthfully, at least for Steve, they did. They both finally calmed down enough for Steve to remember Bucky's arm. Or what use to be Bucky’s arm.

 

“Yeah it's taking some getting used to but I'm feeling much better about it. Can't really complain much when everyone told me I wasn't going to live because of it,” Bucky said.

 

Steve stared at the empty space where Bucky’s arm used to be. He traced what was there and carefully placed his hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“Still love me even though I'm broken?” he asked.

 

“Til’ the end of the line.”

 

* * *

 

“I think I made a mistake, Stevie,” Bucky said.

 

They were still looking out at the river wrapped in each other like it was the last time they'd ever be this close.

 

“Bucky, you want a family. Rachel can give you that,” Steve said.

 

Bucky shook his head. He let a breath out that he'd been holding in for what seemed like forever. Tears began to well around his eyes but weren't ready to spill over. Steve watched as Bucky began to disassemble in front of him.

 

“We had it so good, the three of us. And I went and fucked it up,” Bucky said. His tears falling at a rapid rate now.

 

Steve turned back and looked out at the river with his heart shattering inside of him. His chest strained and his breath was all but lost somewhere inside of him.

 

“You did this to yourself, Buck.”

 

* * *

 

“Do you two do  _ anything  _ else all day besides make out on my couch?” Peggy asked.

 

“It's our couch, darlin’ and no we don't. At least not on my days off,” Bucky said.

 

Steve blushed.

 

“Sorry Peggy,” he said.

 

She smiled at him and set paper bags filled with groceries on the table in front of them.

 

“It's fine but on  _ my day off _ I'd like to do more with you than just watch you make out with each other,” she said.

 

Bucky leaned over and peaked his head into the bag and snatched an apple out. He ducked out of the way of Steve’s hand before it could capture the apple and moved from the seat of the couch to sitting on the arm. Defending himself with his legs.

 

“Come on, Stevie what's one less apple?” he asked.

 

He bit into it with a wet crunch and gave both Peggy and Steve a toothy, apple filled grin.

 

“One less apple for the crumble,” Peggy said.

 

As soon as the words left her mouth she snatched the apple faster than Bucky could react and bit into it herself.

 

“Tell me again why we keep you around?” Bucky asked.

 

“I should be asking why Steve and I keep  _ you _ around,” Peggy said.

 

She smiled at him and punched him playfully in the arm. Steve sat back and watched. Mesmerized by their living situation and how happy he is that the two people he cares the most about get to be around him all the time. His heart swelled any time Bucky and Peggy bickered the way they did. It was their way of showing affection to each other.

 

“Alright well I don't know about you but I'm about ready to bake some stuff. C’mon Peggy I’ll teach ya,” Steve said. He grabbed her hand and pulled her into the kitchen. Bucky followed suit with both grocery bags in his arms.

 

Steve and Peggy tied aprons around their waists and Bucky chuckled at them.

 

“You two look like a buncha dorks,” he said.

 

“Wouldn't hurt you to learn a thing or two from him either,” Peggy said.

 

“I learned everything I need to know from his mother,” Bucky said.

 

“Well you could learn  _ more _ you know,” Steve said.

 

Bucky shrugged. He sat at the dining room table and watched Peggy and Steve bake. Every once in awhile they'd ask for an ingredient still sitting in the bags and Bucky would toss it their way. Sometimes Steve would catch it and when he'd miss Peggy's hand would be underneath it seconds after. It was a lovely sight to see unfold before him. The apartment had a nice breeze moving through it, the birds were happily chirping outside of the open windows, and Steve began to hum to himself. Bucky closed his eyes and took a mental picture of the moment. He didn't ever want to forget it.

 

* * *

 

“Surprised you're back this soon. Thought I'd have to keep her occupied much longer,” Peggy said.

 

Steve was lost in his own thought. He watched as Bucky slid himself back to Rachel’s side and kiss her softly on the lips. He moved into the conversation they were in with grace and to any outsider they seemed like two cogs working in harmony on a much bigger machine. To Steve it looked like that too and he really couldn't bear the gut wrenching pain within him anymore.

 

“Let’s go home, Peg,” he said.

 

They walked hand in hand to the car not saying much. Just letting the roar of the after party become nothing more that a hum in the back of their mind.

 

When they sat in the car it was still silent but Peggy looked at Steve with warm, loving eyes.

 

“I know it's not much but you still have me,” she said. Steve grabbed her hand instinctually and squeezed.

 

“Losing you is my worst nightmare as well. Losing you both? I think death may have a sweeter release.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SORRY


End file.
